NFL Week 1: Dystopia, Dread, Tom Brady's Back —and Gisele Is Just Gonna Hafta Live With It
It’s Tuesday. No, wait. It’s Wednesday morning — at 12:13 AM. I’m writing while listening to Mozart on headphones. Symphony №41 ‘Jupiter’. It’s less than 48 hours from the start of NFL Week 1 for the 2022–2023 season. Hold on to your asshats.
Last year, I was trapped in a 23rd-floor apartment in Da Nang on the coast of Vietnam overlooking the EAST VIETNAM SEA. Well, shit. That depends on what the Chinese have to say about it. Don’t we love naming pieces of land after our own brethren?
Speaking of dirt. Did you hear about Tom Brady and Gisele? She got pissed because Brady reneged on his retirement. And why not? Glory is more important than a family and all and sundry. See, that’s the thing about beautiful women. They’re great. Until football season starts. Then she walks into the room in nothing but a fig leaf — and all bets are off.
“GISELE, GET OUT OF THE WAY! IT’S THIRD AND LONG!”
And guess who’s gonna be performing at half-time? I’m goin’ off the rails on a CRAZY TRAIN!
I’m pumped for this season. I began last year after escaping from Vietnam with a 12-hour bus ride up north (with the international airport in Da Nang closed) to the capital of Hanoi. There, I waited another 12 hours to catch a flight. I killed time by talking to an Indian friend of mine. We smoked cigarettes out front of the airport and talked politics. I normally wouldn’t talk politics to anybody since using the English language to discuss the state of world affairs is useless without action. But in my experience, Indians spoke eloquently about politics — they understood better than most.
Anyway, when I got back to the U.S.A. after being abroad for three years, I got offered to write about the NFL season. I’d just started working for a digital marketing company. And they landed a contract with BetMGM.
Of course, they kept out of the offer that the pay would be low and that working with a giant corporation would be like sucking water from a cactus in Arizona. “Don’t they care that it’s getting hotter all the time? Don’t they realize I need benefits? Dental, acupuncture, and are they not aware of the latest trend of licking toads to get stoned?”
I couldn’t have talked that way to any of my editors. They would’ve lodged me into an empty can of tuna and sold me wholesale to the Borgata Casino for their latest promo. TUNA SALAD WITH A SIDE OF ARROGANT WRITER WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT HIS MOUTH.
Blasphemous bastards, yes. I’m back on my friend’s couch. I’ll write for your company. I’ll be the sage. I didn’t tell them I’d started writing about politics for another client — back in 2019. I covered the 2020 U.S. presidential election. It was supposed to be a “dream come true.” And it led to terrible misgivings about the lack of any future on planet Earth.
I guessed right at the end of the whole charade by about five electoral votes. Nobody knew I was alive.
I began writing about the NFL even though I hadn’t watched it in years. It was like becoming a ninja turtle again. I had the bad boy bandana. And pizza rained from the existential dread of delivery boys who barely spoke English and had little to no knowledge of Bitcoin, cream puffs, daffodils, and their mother’s taint after a sweaty Sunday in East Bumblefuck.
The Lions sucked last year. And the Eagles made a strong play with a new head coach — with balls.
Let’s forget that President Joe Biden is a cataract on democracy’s Uncle Fester. Let’s ignore that Donald Trump wanted to sell nuclear secrets to the same country that may or may not have funded 9/11. Let’s all hold hands and pray for Shangri-La.
Let’s all remind ourselves that Ozzy is still alive and kicking. And that American Football is so important, that even Tom Brady with the hottest, most gorgeous wife on this reeking puss-ball would choose a pigskin over a Brazilian swimsuit model in a black one-piece, chanting hymns — I mean, look Gisele. Bitcoin is down almost 60% YTD.
Someone’s gotta bring home the bacon.
NFL WEEK 1: Thursday Night Football
Buffalo Bills (-135) @ Los Angeles Rams (+115)
I’m getting odds from Bovada. Bovada is an off-shore gambling site with an LV at the end of its URL address. This is designed to convince shmucks and newbies that the site is located in Las Vegas. It isn’t. It’s based out of Costa Rica. A place where if you hit a foul ball, you wind up shellacking a bee’s nest filled with a new virus that’ll infect the planet before you can yell, “THE RAMS SHOULD WIN THE MONEYLINE!”
Interestingly enough, Costa Rica is where Gisele bailed on Brady — leaving their “compound” — as a carrion call to know his role. How did Brady respond? By telling the press, “A LOTTA SHIT IS GOING ON.”
That’s why Brady’s the best.
Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. This is about NFL Week 1 and the season opener — Buffalo Bills @ Los Angeles Rams.
I’ve done little to no research on the season. These are all guttural sounds like an ape hungry for 13 bananas or a donkey re-enacting the ballyhoo of a sperm whale.
I’m digging the Rams (+115). This is their home turf. They won the Super Bowl last year. In the same spot.
Looking at why the Rams are getting points at home — I’m seeing that I need a whiskey re-fill and that they allowed a few players to exeunt. (Playwriting terminology for EXIT.)
Um. They have Matthew Stafford and Cooper Cupp. Of course, they’ll be going up against what was a stout Bill’s D last season. And everybody loves a sharp-dressed man. I mean, everybody loves Bills QB, Josh Allen.
Ah-ha! Linebacker … Von Miller came from the Denver Broncos. Wait, what?
Miller played 11 seasons with the Broncos and got traded before the November 2nd deadline in 2021. He then played a major role in the Rams’ Super Bowl win, Miller’s second ring.
Allow pause for me to void water, re-fill my whiskey, and listen to CBS analysis of Thursday night’s matchup…
A gentleman in a white collared shirt espouses football erudition. Yes, it’s true — that the Rams’ secondary is lacking. But they’ve been built for turf wars since their team’s inception. Yes, Miller will be looking to roast Stafford in front of a nationally-televised audience.
But I don’t see a “couple of sacks” happening. I know that Stafford gets rid of the ball in a hurry, and he’s way too smart to let any off-the-field storylines creep into his bean.
It’s going to be a close one — that’s for sure. And the public is calling it, thus.
The current spread at 2.5 (-110) shows that everyone thinks this game will come down to a field goal. I’ve seen more than one analyst predict Bills by three points. Not so gutsy!
The O/U at 52.0 shows a slight favorite to the upside — O 52.0 (-115). Could these teams be rusty enough to stay under 52 (-105)?
I like fading the public for this matchup. After all, what do these fuckers know?
It’s Week 1, baby.
